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I seriously need to find some sort of purpose or meaning in my life. I’m wanting nothing, having no hope or ambition for the future, nothing gives me pleasure, life is just a drag. One long series of interconnected events that serve nothing other then to pass the time. That is all I’m doing right now. Making time pass. Waiting for something? The purpose? Death? Fun? I’m not sure. My inability to look forward and plan is leaving me rather hamstrung regarding the whole future thing. It’s not that I’m desperately unhappy and hopelessly depressed (sometimes I am but never for long.) Rather then being bitter and horrid it’s more that everything is bland and joyless. Except I do have times when I feel happy, but they’re as brief as the depressions. -------------- I was mistaken. I do have some purpose. I’m fat and want to be thin. I can work towards that but once I’ve succeeded I doubt it’ll make me happy, but perhaps I’ll be more satisfied with my own body. Which is a huge step forward. I’m not deluded into thinking once slim everyone will love me and life will be wonderful. I don’t even want the former and the latter seems unachievable. But there is a giddy feeling of excitement when I lose weight. I’ll still look ugly so I don’t think it’s an aspiration thing. I think it’s a control thing. The joy of having power over your own body. Everyone ought to have a hobby.
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